Our reporters have no idea what they're about to read off their Teleprompter. If they laugh, they lose.

The only news team that doesn't know what they're about to read is back with an alarming teen trend.

Ally, Grant, Trapp, and Emily Axford are here with all the info you could ever need on bed bugs and much, much more.

The no-laugh newsroom returns with a breaking report on a thicc-ass bird. You turd it fear cursed.

Amy Vorpahl and Erika Ishii's top story tonight: Mike Trapp is a little bitch.

John Milhiser and Jess Ross break a scandal about a sexy photo on a computer in Japan.

Shukri Abdi and Tao Yang report on summertime fun while Jess does the impression of her life.

Brian Huskey and Raph are a father-son news team with issues to work out (on air).

Lauren Lapkus and Mary Holland dive deep in the local business of a lame town.

Patrick McDonald and Katie Marovitch try to cancel teeth, but get distracted by their side projects.

Mike Trapp interviews Mary Holland about a new movie that combines ABBA, Avatar, and the moon.

Vic Michaelis and Rekha report on a town that deserves rain, and a Wolf Blitzer tongue twister.

Mary Holland and Grant break stories on a mascot update and a hot new celebrity power couple.

Rekha interviews Lauren Lapkus on her winning entrant for the Biggest Hog Contest at the state fair.

Raph & Rekha ask "where are they now?" about Soviet space dogs & take a lady soap company to task.

Caldwell Tanner & Ryan Creamer report on the hottest new festivals, from The Babadook to Cream Town.

Katie and Ele Woods give Daddy Updates & report on what Henry Winkler has been making out to.

Brennan & Tao share auto-erotic tips from the Carfax fox and realize everyone has a cousin Ray.

Brennan, Lily, and Tao give an in-depth report on Grant, from bad acting to bad bottoming.

Jeffrey Self and Grant question the wetness of your shower and the necessity of Lutherans.

Andy Bustillos & Lily get the scoop on the whoop in the night, while teens trick Tao with Look Bait.

Kimia Behpoornia and Brennan go nuts for noods before Tao gives them a marinara serenade.

Elaine Carroll & Sam ignore a local murder and Brennan lists the perverted things that turn him on.

A weatherwoman looks for Dean Cain in the rain. Brennan shares the “Marley and Me” of bunny stories.

Chunky Scoop, the bad boy of the group, serves up piping hot news on the newest prescription drugs.

Grant and David Kerns report that only three raisins a day are enough to make you gross.

Stamps Dotcom & Marc Maron report that Russian Space Dog is back, and it thinks it’s better than us.